


Stars to Guide Me

by der_tanzer



Series: Meiner [2]
Category: Riptide (TV)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-05-20
Updated: 2010-05-20
Packaged: 2017-10-09 14:57:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,955
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/88637
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/der_tanzer/pseuds/der_tanzer
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p><i>Lately, when it came to sleeping, everyone on the Riptide lied, and everyone else knew it.</i></p>
            </blockquote>





	Stars to Guide Me

Nick opened his eyes in the dark, not sure what had woken him. Cody was there on his right, curled under his arm, drooling lightly on his chest, sophisticate or not. But on his left, where there should have been a long, bony body wrapped around him, was a shiver of flesh and a draft of air. He reached for the lamp and a hand gripped his wrist.

"Don't, it's okay. Go back to sleep."

"Murray?"

"Go back to sleep."

There was a soft rustle of clothing, the small sound of a stubbed toe, and then the door opened and closed. Nick waited a moment before sliding his arm out from under Cody's neck. Cody snuffled and snored, turned over and settled back to sleep. Nick gave him another minute, making sure he wouldn't wake, before sliding out of bed and into his robe.

He checked the head and the galley, but Murray was in his office, of course.

"What's up, Boz?"

"Nothing. I couldn't sleep so I thought I'd work on this for a while. It's okay, just go back to bed."

"No, I couldn't sleep now anyway," he lied smoothly. Lately, when it came to sleeping, everyone on the _Riptide_ lied and everyone else knew it. Even Murray, who was terrible at spotting deception, saw right through this one, and was grateful. "So what are you doing?"

"Checking up on Lucy. Cody was right, she has a criminal record."

"No kidding? What was she up for?"

"Petty theft, possession of marijuana, prostitution. And that's just so far this year."

"Huh. Wharf rat for sure. So what's she doing hiring us?"

"Oh, she is looking for her son. That part was true. The state took him, though, not a stranger. He's in foster care."

"And she wanted us to kidnap him back? Oh, man, that could have been ugly."

"Yeah. So what are we going to do?"

"Pretty obvious, isn't it? We'll just tell her what we know and close the case."

"Should we give back the money?"

"Minus expenses, I guess. I mean, you did do some work here. Mostly when you were supposed to be asleep. That's worth something."

Murray made a little hum of acquiescence and went on typing.

"Come on, babe. The job's over," Nick said, moving around the desk to lay a hand on his shoulder. "Let's go back to bed."

"You go ahead. I have some more things I ought to do."

"You ought to get some rest. Murray, what's going on with you lately? You haven't slept through the night in a week."

Murray looked up quickly, blushing a combination of guilt and fear, checking Nick's face to see what he knew.

"Come on. You think I don't notice when you get out of bed and don't come back? Even Cody's noticed, and he sleeps like the dead. So what gives?"

"I have—dreams. Nightmares. I—I just don't want to dream."

Nick pulled the other chair over and sat close to him, catching the pink cheek in his hand and making Murray look at him.

"All this time? You're staying up because you're—what—afraid to sleep? Why didn't you tell us?"

"You have enough on your minds. It's no big deal."

Nick had very little on his mind lately, and even less now that the case appeared to be over. Murray knew that, or he should, and for a second Nick was angry. But anger never helped in these situations. There was only one thing Murray really responded to.

"Why don't you tell me about it now? We're both awake, the case is closed, the moon is full and the night is young."

"It's two in the morning."

"Okay, so the night's middle aged. Come on, Murray. Spill it."

"It's stupid."

"Dreams always sound stupid when you talk about them. That's how you break their power."

Murray knew he was being humored and blushed again, pushing his glasses up his nose. But, humoring or not, it was true. He really _would_ feel better.

"I'm all alone," he said quietly. "I wake up in our bed, in the middle of the night, and you and Cody are gone. I search the boat in the dark, because none of the lights work, and you're just not here. When I go out on deck, I see that I'm in the middle of the ocean. There's no land in sight and the stars are all wrong, so I can't figure out where I am. That's really all there is to it. I'm just—alone."

"On a dark boat, in a strange ocean. That's pretty scary," Nick said, all sympathy. This time there was no lie in it, and Murray took heart. "I used to have a dream kind of like that during the war, and for a while after. I'd dream that I flew into a combat zone to pick up a platoon and they never showed up. The whole jungle seemed to be empty, just me and my chopper, waiting for no one. It doesn't sound like much, but I woke up screaming a few times."

"When did it stop?"

"I guess after I moved onto the boat with Cody. It took a little while, but I got past it."

Murray looked away, studying the far wall for long moments. Without meeting his eyes, he whispered, "I've never been in a war."

"Doesn't matter. You've been away. You've been alone and scared, and now you're dealing with it."

"You had your dream when you were responsible for people. You were responsible and you lost them. That makes sense. What about mine?"

"I don't know. Probably the same thing. Your brain makes it about you being lost, because that's what you're most afraid of, isn't it? Being left behind?"

He nodded slowly, still focusing on the near distance to avoid his friend's eyes.

"In my dream, I was in the real world and everyone else had vanished. I bet yours feels like you've dropped off the map and the world's going on without you."

Murray nodded again, a single tear dropping from behind his thick glasses.

"Is that what it felt like in the mine?"

One more nod, silent and distant. Nick touched his shoulder and made him look up. Murray met his eyes for a split second, then dropped his gaze to the floor.

"Why didn't you tell us that? Murray, it's been ten days. Did you think we wouldn't understand?"

"Because it's stupid. We're all fine, Baba's safe at home with Mama, nothing really bad happened. There's no reason to be having nightmares now."

"Sure, except that _anyone_ would be seriously traumatized."

"Baba's not. I asked her, yesterday on the phone. She's back at work already, happy as a clam."

"Or maybe she's trying to be brave for you, like you were for her."

Murray looked up then, his wet eyes shining with something oddly like hope.

"Do you think so?"

"Do I—I'd be surprised if she wasn't. Did you tell her that you were having nightmares so bad you were afraid to sleep?"

"Well, no."

"There you go. Now are you coming back to bed or not? Because if you're not, I'm going to go wake up Cody so he can share this precious moment."

Murray laughed, his brown eyes already a little drier.

"Don't do that. Could we just talk a little longer? If I went to bed now, I'd just lie awake and fidget."

"Sure. You want some hot chocolate while we're at it?"

"If you do," he shrugged, but Nick could see he was pleased.

In the galley, Nick put the milk on to heat while Murray mixed cocoa and sugar in their mugs. It felt good to be doing something, and better still to be sharing the activity.

"Murray, when did the dream start?" Nick asked suddenly. "Was it right away, in the hospital, or after we got home?"

"It was in the hospital," he said, dropping his eyes again. "The day Randal came and told us the mine had collapsed. I still can't quite believe that, you know? That it's all gone. All those miles of shafts and vents, standing there for a hundred and twenty-odd years, and it all collapses the day after I walk out of it. Randal said the mountain's—inside out. It's a _crater_."

"And you're thinking it was a little close?"

"Wouldn't you be?"

"Murray, baby, I _am_. I dream about it, too, you know. In my dreams, I'm outside with Cody when it happens. I start looking for you and I find everyone else, Melba and Randal and even Rob, that guy who helped carry you out. But you're not there, and when I ask, they look at me like I'm crazy. Like they don't even know who I mean."

"That's awful," Murray said, as if Nick's fears were more justified than his own.

"Well, it bothers me, but I'm not losing a lot of sleep over it."

"What about Cody? Does he dream about it, too?"

"Uh-huh. His dream is a lot like mine, only you and I are both underground during the collapse. Murray, it was terrible for everyone. We all have the same fears and we're all—I don't know—traumatized. I hate to say that, it sounds like such an overstatement for three strong, healthy, lucky men, but I think it's true."

"So you and Cody—you talk about it?"

"Yeah, of course we talk about it. We didn't want to burden you, but we didn't know why you weren't sleeping." Nick poured the hot milk into the mugs and handed one to Murray. "One of the things we talk about is how strange it was that we were more upset than you were. We thought you were just—over it."

"And I didn't know you had anything to get over."

They sat down, appraising each other across the small table.

"No, just almost losing our best friend. And his smoking hot sister," he added with a wink.

"Yes, losing Baba would be a tragedy for you." Murray sipped his cocoa, smiling faintly over the rim of the cup. "I think I feel better, though. It's just so weird, the mountain being gone like that. Sometimes it gets in my head…"

"Sure it does. It's okay. Anyone would feel that way. I bet Randal does, too, and he's worked underground his entire adult life."

"I'll call Baba in the morning," he said. It sounded like a non sequitur but Nick understood. He needed to know if she was upset, too. Nick guessed that if she was, if she would talk to him about it, Murray's dream would stop.

"You mean later in the morning."

"Yeah. After dawn, at least. Although she's a couple time zones away, so she should be awake soon. I could wait until four or five…"

"No way. You're going back to bed and sleeping in. She'll still be there after breakfast."

"Well, I can't promise to sleep. But I can try." He finished his cocoa and put the cup in the sink. Nick's hand was warm and strong on his back, well clear of the stitched gash along his spine, guiding him up the stairs and through the dark salon.

"Wait just a second, please," Murray said softly. "I want to look at the stars."

They went to the window and Murray knelt on the sofa to study the sky.

"It makes me feel better, seeing the stars all where they belong," he said, still feeling more than a little ridiculous.

"You know what? It does me, too." Nick stood behind him, hands on Murray's shoulders, and waited. They had all the time in the world.


End file.
